Spiderman's Semen Killed Mary Jane!

[elfs]

From Spider Man: Reign #3:

Oh God, I'm sorry! The doctors didn't understand how it happened! How you had been poisoned by radioactivity! How your body slowly became riddled with cancer! I did. I was... I am filled with radioactive blood. And not just blood. Every fluid. Touching me... loving me... Loving me killed you!"

Sadly, this is not a joke.

Comments

[zonereyrie.livejournal.com]

Oh, it is a joke all right, a very bad one.

Yeah, he's radioactive. Right... wait...

NO HE'S NOT!

Since when has Spiderman actually been radioactive? The spider was. The bite caused Peter to mutate. But he didn't go glow-in-the-dark.

[(Anonymous)]

Top Five Reasons Deadly-Radioactive Spiderman Is a Good Idea

. Spiderman's radioactive glow an excuse to use more special effects in movies in place of bothersome plot and characterization.

. Full-strength radioactive contamination harmless to Peter Parker, but diluted kills Mary Jane -- proof of homeopathy!

. Doc Oc threatens to blow up Spiderman to shower entire Eastern U.S. with dangerous radioactivity, manipulate real estate market.

. Spiderman required by law to use special non-flush lead-shielded toilets.

. Coming crossover series with "dark hero" Dr. Strangelove: "Precious Bodily Fluids".

. Peter Parker's secret identity publicly revealed by Geiger Counter, ending stupidest version of Spiderman ever.

[gromm.livejournal.com]

This only leaves the question:

What *kind* of cancer was it? ;)

[edichka2.livejournal.com]

All too reminiscent of "Girlfriend in a Coma."

[antonia-tiger.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry, Mr. Parker, it looks as though you'll never be able to have children. Have you ever been exposed to large amounts of radiation?"

[jordan179.livejournal.com]

"Oh God, I'm sorry! The doctors didn't understand how it happened! How you had been poisoned by radioactivity! How your body slowly became riddled with cancer! I did. I was... I am filled with radioactive blood. And not just blood. Every fluid. Touching me... loving me... Loving me killed you!"

That is so mind-bogglingly and risibly stupid that it makes me wonder how this got put out in public. What the HELL is Marvel Comics thinking?

I mean, it's not just dumb from a real-physics perspective. It's even dumb from a comic book physics perspective. Where the hell would all this radiation come from? How much venom did that one little radioactive spider have, anyway? Clue: radiation isn't alive.

As for the implied biology -- does whoever wrote this dreck really believe that spermatazoa wander randomly about the interior of a woman after ejaculation? Do they have any notion of what goes on inside a woman's sexual organs? Didn't they ever take Health Class?

Argh.

[ewhac.livejournal.com]

Clearly, someone read Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex and seriously veered off into left field from there...