Spiderman's Semen Killed Mary Jane!

[elfs]

From Spider Man: Reign #3:

Oh God, I'm sorry! The doctors didn't understand how it happened! How you had been poisoned by radioactivity! How your body slowly became riddled with cancer! I did. I was... I am filled with radioactive blood. And not just blood. Every fluid. Touching me... loving me... Loving me killed you!"

Sadly, this is not a joke.

Comments

[zonereyrie.livejournal.com]

Oh, it is a joke all right, a very bad one.

Yeah, he's radioactive. Right... wait...

NO HE'S NOT!

Since when has Spiderman actually been radioactive? The spider was. The bite caused Peter to mutate. But he didn't go glow-in-the-dark.

[zonereyrie.livejournal.com]

Oh gods, I just went and looked up Reign on Wikipedia and read the summary... Boy that sounds like a steaming pile of suck. Why does everyone think they're Frank Miller and that they can do their own Dark Knight Returns with a different hero?

[(Anonymous)]

Top Five Reasons Deadly-Radioactive Spiderman Is a Good Idea

. Spiderman's radioactive glow an excuse to use more special effects in movies in place of bothersome plot and characterization.

. Full-strength radioactive contamination harmless to Peter Parker, but diluted kills Mary Jane -- proof of homeopathy!

. Doc Oc threatens to blow up Spiderman to shower entire Eastern U.S. with dangerous radioactivity, manipulate real estate market.

. Spiderman required by law to use special non-flush lead-shielded toilets.

. Coming crossover series with "dark hero" Dr. Strangelove: "Precious Bodily Fluids".

. Peter Parker's secret identity publicly revealed by Geiger Counter, ending stupidest version of Spiderman ever.

[gromm.livejournal.com]

This only leaves the question:

What *kind* of cancer was it? ;)

[elfs.livejournal.com]

"Is he strong? Listen bud,
He's got radioactive blood!
Spins a web? Any size,
Catches thieves just like files!
Look out!
Here come's the Spiiiiiidermaaaaan!"

[edichka2.livejournal.com]

All too reminiscent of "Girlfriend in a Coma."

[antonia-tiger.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry, Mr. Parker, it looks as though you'll never be able to have children. Have you ever been exposed to large amounts of radiation?"

[jordan179.livejournal.com]

"Oh God, I'm sorry! The doctors didn't understand how it happened! How you had been poisoned by radioactivity! How your body slowly became riddled with cancer! I did. I was... I am filled with radioactive blood. And not just blood. Every fluid. Touching me... loving me... Loving me killed you!"

That is so mind-bogglingly and risibly stupid that it makes me wonder how this got put out in public. What the HELL is Marvel Comics thinking?

I mean, it's not just dumb from a real-physics perspective. It's even dumb from a comic book physics perspective. Where the hell would all this radiation come from? How much venom did that one little radioactive spider have, anyway? Clue: radiation isn't alive.

As for the implied biology -- does whoever wrote this dreck really believe that spermatazoa wander randomly about the interior of a woman after ejaculation? Do they have any notion of what goes on inside a woman's sexual organs? Didn't they ever take Health Class?

Argh.

[elfs.livejournal.com]

Do they have any notion of what goes on inside a woman's sexual organs?

Who said anything about sexual organs? Maybe Peter and MJ were really into oral, in which case the spidercum would have followed a literal long and winding trail through MJ's anatomy.

[norincraft.livejournal.com]

Well, that along with the old school Spider Man lyrics reminds of (part of a little song...

well i was comin' home late one dark afternoon
a reporter stopped me for a interview
she said she's heard stories and she's heard fables
that i'm vicious on the mike and the turntables
this young reporter i did adore
so i rocked a vicious rhyme like i never did before
she said damn fly guy i'm in love with you
the casanova legend must have been true
i said by the way baby what's your name
said i go by the name of lois lane
and you could be my boyfriend you surely can
just let me quit my boyfriend called superman
i said he's a fairy i do suppose
flyin' through the air in pantyhose
he may be very sexy or even cute
but he looks like a sucker in a blue and red suit
i said you need a man who's got finesse
and his whole name across his chest
he may be able to fly all through the night
but can he rock a party til the early light
he cant satisfy you with his little worm
but i can bust you out with my super sperm

[(Anonymous)]

Well, OK, yeah. :-) I don't know if that's canon though - but I never really followed Spiderman, just picked up bits here and there. I just don't recall him being actively radioactive like that. You'd think someone might notice if he were constantly putting out radiation, especially in all his bodily fluids - which includes sweat.

[(Anonymous)]

...

That's a word I didn't need in my brain, ever.

Spidercum

[zonereyrie.livejournal.com]

...

That's a word I didn't need in my brain, ever.

Spidercum

[spiralsong.livejournal.com]

Coming crossover series with "dark hero" Dr. Strangelove: "Precious Bodily Fluids".

*snrk*!!!

Seconded.

[spiralsong.livejournal.com]

Yyyeeeah. Ow.

[jordan179.livejournal.com]

Who said anything about sexual organs? Maybe Peter and MJ were really into oral, in which case the spidercum would have followed a literal long and winding trail through MJ's anatomy.

Hmm, and then some of the radioactives could get digested and deposited long-term in her tissues ... yeah, I guess that would make sense, if you ignore the much bigger question as to where the hell enough radioactivity to give a woman cancer is coming (heh) from in the first place. Radioactivity isn't alive -- it doesn't "breed." The writers are clearly trying to make an analogy with STD's, but they are ignoring the difference between living and unliving things, which is rather a large mistake!

- Jordan

[ewhac.livejournal.com]

Clearly, someone read Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex and seriously veered off into left field from there...

[jordan179.livejournal.com]

Clearly, someone read Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex and seriously veered off into left field from there.

Coupled with the (wrong but popular) idea that "all radiation, in any quantity, is 'dangerous'," yes. Logically, MJ would be getting more radiation from the X-rays they would have given her to find out why she was ill.

[elfs.livejournal.com]

It occurred to me that the author may have been thinking of the recent case of Alexander Litvinenko, who did die of a "tiny" amount of radioactive material. Still, I think you're right that it's unlikely Spidey hosted polonium 210 in his body for quite so long; the stuff has a half-life of less than six months.