Elf Sternberg

I feel betrayed by Folger’s Coffee.

When I was a kid in the 1970s, Folgers Coffee ads were everywhere. They were inescapable. There were two thrusts to the commercials: the first touted the flavor and claimed it was better than “gourmet,” whatever the hell “gourmet coffee” in 1970 could have meant. The tagline for those was “We’ve secretly replaced these customer’s gourmet coffee with Folger’s Crystals. Let’s see what happens.”

The other touted the chemical composition of the ground coffee. The ads would show close-ups of a pile of coffee, artfully arranged, and inside the pile would be these little shiny, reflective flakes. As a kid, I always thought those reflective flakes were the “crystals,” and after talking to my mother, I found that everyone else in my parents’ generation thought so as well. The rest was, well, just dried coffee.

Even as a ten-year-old kid, I wanted to know: what were the crystals? What benefit did they provide? Were they an additive? An alternative chemical extraction of coffee from just drying the stuff into a chunky brown powder?

Nope. The reflective, shiny stuff was a post-production effect added by the advertiser. In the 1970s they didn’t have Photoshop or any of the equivalents; the effects were produced by sprinkling little bits of baking glitter onto the pile of ground coffee. (It was still edible and didn’t change the taste, so it was acceptable as a “food styling” technique.)

So what were “Folger’s Crystals?” It turns out, the brown powder is the crystals. (See? The crystals are still in the photo shot, so it’s not cheating, right?) Coffee that’s freeze-dried naturally forms a highly-ordered molecular aggregate that meets the chemical definition of “heterogeneous crystal.”

I looked this up after spending a week in the woods, where I had a few packets of Starbucks Via Instant, Medium Roast and another box of Mount Hagen Organic Freeze-Dried Instant Coffee, bought from my local organic co-op. The Starbucks stuff was simply awful, but the Mount Hagen was quite acceptable if there were no fresher alternatives. Starbucks Instant is actually made by the same process, it’s just re-ground after freeze-drying so the granules are made small enough to look like a powder and less like the chunky crystals that are what most people associate with “instant coffee.”

Maybe the organic coffee is a bit more expensive, but at least they don’t lie to me.

And with that in mind, I'll leave you with that rare ad, from Folgers, that told the absolute truth:



Wake up, you sleepy-head, you can sleep when you are dead!

Omaha and I, in a misplaced fit of cash savings, bought this three-pound bag of "San Francisco Bay Gourmet Coffee" from a warehouse grocer. I'm not sure if it's an in-store brand or what; I'm not even going to google for it. I'm just going to warn you: don't buy this stuff.

If the cost of replacing your grinder is higher than replacing your stomach lining or your self-respect, then maybe you want to buy this coffee. It's double-roasted to soften the beans and make your grinder last longer. It's incredibly acidic, it smells like cheap supermarket coffee from the 1970s, and it has no personality whatsoever. Fancy creamers and high-quality turbinado cannot save it.

I must do something very right with the coffee I brew at home. I don't know what it is, but it sure works. I use just any old bean (right now, I'm trying the Starbuck's Tribute blend), but I use a half-height French Press (two cups of coffee per batch) and let them sit for four minutes before pouring. I always prepare more water than the press will hold, and I use the remaining water to warm my cup. I alway pour quickly after pressing, and it's great, smooth and never bitter.

This morning, I had an opportunity to have some of Starbuck's Pike Place Market Roast, as brewed by Starbucks, and you know, it was very bitter. Even a four ounce cup couldn't be saved with a teaspoon of sugar, and I never use more than that at home. That may explain why the salting doesn't do much for me: I don't make coffee that needs saving.

Man, my third post in a row about coffee.

Since we're broke trying to save money in the current economic crisis, as I went shopping yesterday for dinner I bought some cheap coffee. Trader Joe's Italian Roast, which at $8.65/lb is less expensive than the $10.50/lb I pay for any of the brands at QFC, or even the (gasp) $16/lb I would spend these days for Dead Man's Reach. (When I get a job, though, I am so buying myself some DMR, though.)

Trader Joe's Italian Roast is an unremarkable coffee. It's more bitter, closer to the historical coffees you might remember when your father drank it, but definitely better than that; it's smoother and more forgiving, and when you first pour the beans out they're dark and oily and just they way they should be. It's like heirloom coffee, in a way.

The taste is slightly bitter and has a high palette, very little nose with some chestnut in it, and a very strong chocolate aftertaste that is nice. It's not great coffee-- the opening notes are somewhat astringent, but that fades very quickly-- but it'll do.

On the other hand, it has a lot of caffeine. I mean, make the "Elf jittery with one cup" lot. I don't know whether this recommends it to you, or not, but there you have it.

Don't cover the chimney completely! I forgot to mention that: you don't want to cover the chimney completely. The spoon I use is just the right size to keep the beans from popping out when they well up from the center, but if you prevent the airflow from leaving the popper it will burn out and then you might just need that fire extinguisher. If you hear the popper whirring up, you're blocking too much airflow, and that's not a good thing.