My favorite spam euphemism

[elfs]

As much as I loathe spam, just like the rest of you, from time to time I have to admire their creativity. The number of different ways they've come to euphemise the penis, for example, just has to rank up there the Sokal Hoax or the world-spanning gnomes for entertainment. All the usual ones are there, of course: "rod," "shaft," even "dick" (nowadays mispelled "dik") but there is one that always makes me laugh.

"Dignity."

I mean, come on, isn't that just the best euphemism for penis you've ever read. I can just imagine writing it in a Mad-Lib-like porn story:

"C'mon, babe, suck my dignity," I said. My dignity was as hard as stone and not about to go anywhere. She obliged, making obscene sucking noises as my dignity slipped in and out of her mouth.

I turned her around and slammed my dignity into her waiting body. It was all over in seconds, and my dignity slowly shrank down...

Comments

The one that gets me

[dakiwiboid.livejournal.com]

is d'ik. I'm really tired of all of these messages from the Department of Superfluous Apostrophes.

Re: The one that gets me

[elfs.livejournal.com]

Although, y'know, it gives me an idea for a story. It's probably well within my reach: Misspelled for Legal Reasons, a story about a man and the lovebot he tries to buy.

"What's this? Seks?"

"It means, do you want one shaped like a man or one shaped like a woman?"

"Isn't that gender?"

"No, that's further down the list. That's more a personality thing. Seks is their physical resemblence."

"Why can't you just spell it S-E-X?"

"Because they're not really a man or a woman, sir. We could never advertise that we sell sex."

For true verisimilitude

[dakiwiboid.livejournal.com]

When the salesman calls or texts or emails him, he or she will get his name wrong (as in elfssexi1xxx!!000) and also mention other completely irrelevant products.

[tehrasha.livejournal.com]

I think my favorite spam subject of all time was for an online casino.

"Slots looser than your girlfriend."

[resonant.livejournal.com]

My second sexual experience (with another person) ended abruptly because of an euphemism:

Him: Oh yeah, suck my pulsating love-muscle
Me: {started giggling while continuing to suck)
Him: Out. Get out now.

[abostick59.livejournal.com]

Talk about blaming the victim!