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elfsHmm. Several "frustrated" and "annoyed" mood entries. This is just not me. I must find something more cheerful to write about. Next time.
Because today I'm going to complain about my ex, which my family gigglingly refers to as Der Baroness. I probably shouldn't do this for any number of reasons, not the least of which is that living out loud is, while good philosophy, dangerous in practice.
So, I dropped my daughter, Yamaarashi-chan, off at her Der Baroness's house, an event I loathe with every fiber of my being. I loathe it because there are people in there that I care much about, all of whom are trapped by circumstance until they're each 18 years of age, at which point they'll be on their own, without much from their mother to help them get along in the world. The saddest part is they know it: every single one of them knows full well that the experiences they have learned in their mother's care will have done absolutely nothing to prepare them for the real world. It's astounding how honest they are when they're out of her earshot. They don't want to be like her, but they may not have learned much else by example.
This is a household where I've stopped by to discover no adults at home or, worse, adults who eschew any responsibility at all for what goes on in there. I protested once that the 11-y.o. and the 13-y.o. should not be watching Legend of the Overfiend, especially not when my own, 5-y.o. daughter was there. If you don't know the movie, just google for it, but here's the jist: it's about demons taking over the Earth by raping every young school-uniform clad girl in sight. It's brutal and bloody and "excessive" doesn't begin to describe it. Her response: "I'm not responsible for the decisions other people make when I'm not there."
If that's the case, my ex should not be responsible for a small child, not when she leaves her with people who cannot make responsible decisions regarding her well-being.
My daughter should not begin a conversation with me by cheerfully announcing, "Buffy had sex with Spike!" At five, no child should know all the details of human reproduction to the degree she does, nor should a child be exposed to the kind of violence and thematic darkness that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but mine does. Yamaarashi-chan has seen every episode at least twice. When I complained, Der Baroness said that "Oh, we can explain it to her, give it context. It's okay!"
It is not okay. My ex has fewer morals than a bonobo chimpanzee.
Heh. The other day, I dropped Yamaarashi-chan off. The two younger girls were there, and I waved hello and asked Aurora, "How's life with Jamie?"
"Mom's happier." Not "fine," not "she's great," not "we like her," but just a general observation about how the dramatic bowels of the household have been momentarily appeased.
"Because she has someone to pay the bills," I growled.
"Essentially," she said, nodding as she did so.
Der Baroness gives serial monogamy a bad name. Her girls aren't going to take one step towards getting to know their mother's new lover, who's just moved into her bedroom, because they know how it will end: with hurtful words, angry exchanges, and vicious accusations. There's no point in their getting to know Jamie; after all, in a few years (at most), she'll be one of "them," the enemy, driven away, never to be seen again. All of their mother's close friends wind up bathed in emotional acid, and nobody wants that splashed on her own skin. They're scarred enough as it is. She's a user: if you're not useful to her, she doesn't care much about you.
Here's a rule learned by hard experience: if the person you're dating brings up former partners or lovers, listen and see if they have any good memories of days gone by. See if she has anything good to say about her past loves. If she doesn't, get out now. Because one day, she won't have anything good to say about you, either.
Because today I'm going to complain about my ex, which my family gigglingly refers to as Der Baroness. I probably shouldn't do this for any number of reasons, not the least of which is that living out loud is, while good philosophy, dangerous in practice.
So, I dropped my daughter, Yamaarashi-chan, off at her Der Baroness's house, an event I loathe with every fiber of my being. I loathe it because there are people in there that I care much about, all of whom are trapped by circumstance until they're each 18 years of age, at which point they'll be on their own, without much from their mother to help them get along in the world. The saddest part is they know it: every single one of them knows full well that the experiences they have learned in their mother's care will have done absolutely nothing to prepare them for the real world. It's astounding how honest they are when they're out of her earshot. They don't want to be like her, but they may not have learned much else by example.
This is a household where I've stopped by to discover no adults at home or, worse, adults who eschew any responsibility at all for what goes on in there. I protested once that the 11-y.o. and the 13-y.o. should not be watching Legend of the Overfiend, especially not when my own, 5-y.o. daughter was there. If you don't know the movie, just google for it, but here's the jist: it's about demons taking over the Earth by raping every young school-uniform clad girl in sight. It's brutal and bloody and "excessive" doesn't begin to describe it. Her response: "I'm not responsible for the decisions other people make when I'm not there."
If that's the case, my ex should not be responsible for a small child, not when she leaves her with people who cannot make responsible decisions regarding her well-being.
My daughter should not begin a conversation with me by cheerfully announcing, "Buffy had sex with Spike!" At five, no child should know all the details of human reproduction to the degree she does, nor should a child be exposed to the kind of violence and thematic darkness that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but mine does. Yamaarashi-chan has seen every episode at least twice. When I complained, Der Baroness said that "Oh, we can explain it to her, give it context. It's okay!"
It is not okay. My ex has fewer morals than a bonobo chimpanzee.
Heh. The other day, I dropped Yamaarashi-chan off. The two younger girls were there, and I waved hello and asked Aurora, "How's life with Jamie?"
"Mom's happier." Not "fine," not "she's great," not "we like her," but just a general observation about how the dramatic bowels of the household have been momentarily appeased.
"Because she has someone to pay the bills," I growled.
"Essentially," she said, nodding as she did so.
Der Baroness gives serial monogamy a bad name. Her girls aren't going to take one step towards getting to know their mother's new lover, who's just moved into her bedroom, because they know how it will end: with hurtful words, angry exchanges, and vicious accusations. There's no point in their getting to know Jamie; after all, in a few years (at most), she'll be one of "them," the enemy, driven away, never to be seen again. All of their mother's close friends wind up bathed in emotional acid, and nobody wants that splashed on her own skin. They're scarred enough as it is. She's a user: if you're not useful to her, she doesn't care much about you.
Here's a rule learned by hard experience: if the person you're dating brings up former partners or lovers, listen and see if they have any good memories of days gone by. See if she has anything good to say about her past loves. If she doesn't, get out now. Because one day, she won't have anything good to say about you, either.
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Date: 2003-02-05 11:54 pm (UTC)Not entirely true...
Date: 2003-02-06 08:49 am (UTC)In the case of Aurora and Lily, both of whom are 12 or older now, it's not even cut and dried to that extent. Even if they could choose to live with their father, it's unlikely that they would do so. Their father lives in a tiny mountain town in the middle of nowhere. It's a beautiful house overlooking a small, private lake. But all they've known their entire life is the city: their friends are here, the nightlife is here. They're both avid readers and there's not a bookstore for sixty miles from their father's home. It's the kind of decision no adolescent should be asked to make, and both of them have made that decision as only adolescents can.
Re: Not entirely true...
Date: 2003-02-11 03:08 pm (UTC)One thing I did learn growing up how I did, however, is that kids are pretty damn resilient. No matter where they are or who they're with, some bad shit happens sometime. Kids, like adults, get past it. Physical or mental abuse is one thing, but the rest...meh. Everyone grows up fucked up in some way, why should anyone be immune? =)
(Sorry, not trying to come as flippant, just making an honest observation)