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elfsHmm. Several "frustrated" and "annoyed" mood entries. This is just not me. I must find something more cheerful to write about. Next time.
Because today I'm going to complain about my ex, which my family gigglingly refers to as Der Baroness. I probably shouldn't do this for any number of reasons, not the least of which is that living out loud is, while good philosophy, dangerous in practice.
So, I dropped my daughter, Yamaarashi-chan, off at her Der Baroness's house, an event I loathe with every fiber of my being. I loathe it because there are people in there that I care much about, all of whom are trapped by circumstance until they're each 18 years of age, at which point they'll be on their own, without much from their mother to help them get along in the world. The saddest part is they know it: every single one of them knows full well that the experiences they have learned in their mother's care will have done absolutely nothing to prepare them for the real world. It's astounding how honest they are when they're out of her earshot. They don't want to be like her, but they may not have learned much else by example.
This is a household where I've stopped by to discover no adults at home or, worse, adults who eschew any responsibility at all for what goes on in there. I protested once that the 11-y.o. and the 13-y.o. should not be watching Legend of the Overfiend, especially not when my own, 5-y.o. daughter was there. If you don't know the movie, just google for it, but here's the jist: it's about demons taking over the Earth by raping every young school-uniform clad girl in sight. It's brutal and bloody and "excessive" doesn't begin to describe it. Her response: "I'm not responsible for the decisions other people make when I'm not there."
If that's the case, my ex should not be responsible for a small child, not when she leaves her with people who cannot make responsible decisions regarding her well-being.
My daughter should not begin a conversation with me by cheerfully announcing, "Buffy had sex with Spike!" At five, no child should know all the details of human reproduction to the degree she does, nor should a child be exposed to the kind of violence and thematic darkness that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but mine does. Yamaarashi-chan has seen every episode at least twice. When I complained, Der Baroness said that "Oh, we can explain it to her, give it context. It's okay!"
It is not okay. My ex has fewer morals than a bonobo chimpanzee.
Heh. The other day, I dropped Yamaarashi-chan off. The two younger girls were there, and I waved hello and asked Aurora, "How's life with Jamie?"
"Mom's happier." Not "fine," not "she's great," not "we like her," but just a general observation about how the dramatic bowels of the household have been momentarily appeased.
"Because she has someone to pay the bills," I growled.
"Essentially," she said, nodding as she did so.
Der Baroness gives serial monogamy a bad name. Her girls aren't going to take one step towards getting to know their mother's new lover, who's just moved into her bedroom, because they know how it will end: with hurtful words, angry exchanges, and vicious accusations. There's no point in their getting to know Jamie; after all, in a few years (at most), she'll be one of "them," the enemy, driven away, never to be seen again. All of their mother's close friends wind up bathed in emotional acid, and nobody wants that splashed on her own skin. They're scarred enough as it is. She's a user: if you're not useful to her, she doesn't care much about you.
Here's a rule learned by hard experience: if the person you're dating brings up former partners or lovers, listen and see if they have any good memories of days gone by. See if she has anything good to say about her past loves. If she doesn't, get out now. Because one day, she won't have anything good to say about you, either.
Because today I'm going to complain about my ex, which my family gigglingly refers to as Der Baroness. I probably shouldn't do this for any number of reasons, not the least of which is that living out loud is, while good philosophy, dangerous in practice.
So, I dropped my daughter, Yamaarashi-chan, off at her Der Baroness's house, an event I loathe with every fiber of my being. I loathe it because there are people in there that I care much about, all of whom are trapped by circumstance until they're each 18 years of age, at which point they'll be on their own, without much from their mother to help them get along in the world. The saddest part is they know it: every single one of them knows full well that the experiences they have learned in their mother's care will have done absolutely nothing to prepare them for the real world. It's astounding how honest they are when they're out of her earshot. They don't want to be like her, but they may not have learned much else by example.
This is a household where I've stopped by to discover no adults at home or, worse, adults who eschew any responsibility at all for what goes on in there. I protested once that the 11-y.o. and the 13-y.o. should not be watching Legend of the Overfiend, especially not when my own, 5-y.o. daughter was there. If you don't know the movie, just google for it, but here's the jist: it's about demons taking over the Earth by raping every young school-uniform clad girl in sight. It's brutal and bloody and "excessive" doesn't begin to describe it. Her response: "I'm not responsible for the decisions other people make when I'm not there."
If that's the case, my ex should not be responsible for a small child, not when she leaves her with people who cannot make responsible decisions regarding her well-being.
My daughter should not begin a conversation with me by cheerfully announcing, "Buffy had sex with Spike!" At five, no child should know all the details of human reproduction to the degree she does, nor should a child be exposed to the kind of violence and thematic darkness that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but mine does. Yamaarashi-chan has seen every episode at least twice. When I complained, Der Baroness said that "Oh, we can explain it to her, give it context. It's okay!"
It is not okay. My ex has fewer morals than a bonobo chimpanzee.
Heh. The other day, I dropped Yamaarashi-chan off. The two younger girls were there, and I waved hello and asked Aurora, "How's life with Jamie?"
"Mom's happier." Not "fine," not "she's great," not "we like her," but just a general observation about how the dramatic bowels of the household have been momentarily appeased.
"Because she has someone to pay the bills," I growled.
"Essentially," she said, nodding as she did so.
Der Baroness gives serial monogamy a bad name. Her girls aren't going to take one step towards getting to know their mother's new lover, who's just moved into her bedroom, because they know how it will end: with hurtful words, angry exchanges, and vicious accusations. There's no point in their getting to know Jamie; after all, in a few years (at most), she'll be one of "them," the enemy, driven away, never to be seen again. All of their mother's close friends wind up bathed in emotional acid, and nobody wants that splashed on her own skin. They're scarred enough as it is. She's a user: if you're not useful to her, she doesn't care much about you.
Here's a rule learned by hard experience: if the person you're dating brings up former partners or lovers, listen and see if they have any good memories of days gone by. See if she has anything good to say about her past loves. If she doesn't, get out now. Because one day, she won't have anything good to say about you, either.
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no subject
Date: 2003-02-05 01:53 pm (UTC)A number of people in my tribe hold the bonobos in fairly high esteem, due to their less-violent packstyle and apparently polyamorous relationships.
WRT Yamaarashi-chan's knowledge of human sexuality, I was far more appalled to discover that she knew the concept of "safewords" and the reasons behind them...
I was sometimes left responsible for my younger brother and sister starting at age 13 - for an afternoon or an evening - and for other neighborhood kids as well. I started a babysitting service at that age and was in a fair amount of demand as a sitter, because I was good, cheap, and had excellent references. Having a 13-year-old watch her younger sister therefore seems like No Big Deal to me. Watching and letting that younger sister watch graphic violence *is* a big deal, though.
no subject
Date: 2003-02-10 06:12 pm (UTC)I've known other smalls to be taught the concept of 'safeword' as a way to control, for example, tickling. But then I've also known smalls who love yelling 'no' while being tickled, as long as you don't actually *stop*...hence the use of 'safeword'.
Watching BDSM would be inappropriate at her age, I would think.
"Safeword!"
Date: 2003-02-11 09:53 am (UTC)Re: "Safeword!"
Date: 2003-02-11 02:03 pm (UTC)Jen, former daycare teacher
Re: "Safeword!"
Date: 2003-02-12 11:18 pm (UTC)The reason I squicked at this was because the ONLY context *I* knew "safeword" in was BDSM.
It has been commented by
I apologize sincerely to all concerned and withdraw my objection. I was wrong, and acting from limited knowledge; thank you to all who have corrected my misperceptions.
Re: "Safeword!"
Date: 2003-02-12 11:50 pm (UTC)I thought that might be the case. I learned the concept of 'safeword' long before I ever heard of BDSM - as a child playing games like "Hostage", "Kidnapping", and "Cops & Robbers". We needed a way to tell who was playing the game ('Untie me! I have to pee!') from those who needed to go to the bathroom or home ('Untie me! I have to pee!'). We used the words 'timeout' and 'game over'.
Later I worked in a daycare. Some kids wanted me to tickle them. I would, and they'd yell 'no' and 'stop', then get angry when I *did* stop. Since Red Light/Green Light was popular, I started asking kids to use 'green light' and 'red light' for tickling.
Same concept as 'safeword'. Completely different context.
Years later, I've been somewhat involved in BDSM, and I discover other BDSMers teaching this concept to their kids. And often it's because of tickling. They use the term 'safeword'. Not a problem.
My reaction to this? "Wow! Wish my aunt had a 'house safeword' when I was a kid - I hated my cousins tickling me, and she'd just say 'oh, kids always say stop but they enjoy it'." (Grrrrr.)
So while I didn't know, exactly, how she got the term, I'm not exactly surprised that this small one knows 'safeword'.
I hope this helps ;)
no subject
Date: 2003-02-05 11:54 pm (UTC)Not entirely true...
Date: 2003-02-06 08:49 am (UTC)In the case of Aurora and Lily, both of whom are 12 or older now, it's not even cut and dried to that extent. Even if they could choose to live with their father, it's unlikely that they would do so. Their father lives in a tiny mountain town in the middle of nowhere. It's a beautiful house overlooking a small, private lake. But all they've known their entire life is the city: their friends are here, the nightlife is here. They're both avid readers and there's not a bookstore for sixty miles from their father's home. It's the kind of decision no adolescent should be asked to make, and both of them have made that decision as only adolescents can.
Re: Not entirely true...
Date: 2003-02-11 03:08 pm (UTC)One thing I did learn growing up how I did, however, is that kids are pretty damn resilient. No matter where they are or who they're with, some bad shit happens sometime. Kids, like adults, get past it. Physical or mental abuse is one thing, but the rest...meh. Everyone grows up fucked up in some way, why should anyone be immune? =)
(Sorry, not trying to come as flippant, just making an honest observation)