Someone on Twitter wrote:
I think about this all the time, because as a person with a spectrum disorder (although my neurologist is quick to remind me that Interictal Syndrome is “technically not an ASD disorder, but the symptoms are the same”) I do not know how to give OR receive a gift.
If “the thought counts,” then I have received SO MANY gifts over the years where it was obvious the giver didn’t know me, didn’t think, and… didn’t care? I mean, maybe?
And as the giver, I don’t want to give a gift that they won’t like, won’t use, won’t read, and in a year will guiltily toss in the trash because “it was a gift from someone, but it’s really just clutter and I don’t have room anymore.” I just don’t have room in my home for any more tchotskes, well-meant “life changing books,” and small electronics I will never use, because like every nerd my specifications are narrow and specific. And every time I throw it away, that guilt comes back that I didn’t appreciate or understand, didn’t feel appreciated or understood, and damn but that fucking hurts.
Like every ADHD/ASD person with rejection sensitivty dysphoria, I’m super-sensitive to the awkwardness of a poorly given gift, and to the awkwardness of knowing a poorly given gift is a white elephant that makes the giver feel bad when you don’t use it, don’t like it enough to make it part of your life, and won’t prioritize keeping it, and makes the recipient feel bad because they didn’t feel seen or understood and ultimately have to toss the thing into the landfill, contributing to the ongoing crisis of a civilization that doesn’t really know how to deal with its waste.
I love everything about Christmas Season except for the duty of finding gifts. Hate everything about it. The act of mutual gift-giving, which we evolved to create understanding by sacrifice that mutually supports both the giver and reciever.
Because that’s what “gift giving” is: an evolved behavior between individuals and tribes that represented a worthwhile sacrifice in order to foster good-will on the part of the giver, and wanted or needed support on the part of the recipient that the giver was not obligated to give but, having done so, hopes to cement or maintain strong ties with the recipient.
In a world in which we (for some sad, awful definition of “we”) have enough food, water, shelter, and distraction, gift-giving is a ritualized demand that does nothing but prove you either do or don’t know the other person. And if you do, you’re either lucky, family… or really fuckin’ creepy.
“It’s the thought that counts.” This phrase is synonymous with gift giving, but have you thought about this phrase in a different way? It is always the thought that counts , meaning your thoughts and what you are thinking on a daily basis are what creates your reality.Their point, as banal as it was, was that the recepient of a gift should always approach gift-giving in this fashion, always receive a gift as if the giver put “the thought” into it.
I think about this all the time, because as a person with a spectrum disorder (although my neurologist is quick to remind me that Interictal Syndrome is “technically not an ASD disorder, but the symptoms are the same”) I do not know how to give OR receive a gift.
If “the thought counts,” then I have received SO MANY gifts over the years where it was obvious the giver didn’t know me, didn’t think, and… didn’t care? I mean, maybe?
And as the giver, I don’t want to give a gift that they won’t like, won’t use, won’t read, and in a year will guiltily toss in the trash because “it was a gift from someone, but it’s really just clutter and I don’t have room anymore.” I just don’t have room in my home for any more tchotskes, well-meant “life changing books,” and small electronics I will never use, because like every nerd my specifications are narrow and specific. And every time I throw it away, that guilt comes back that I didn’t appreciate or understand, didn’t feel appreciated or understood, and damn but that fucking hurts.
Like every ADHD/ASD person with rejection sensitivty dysphoria, I’m super-sensitive to the awkwardness of a poorly given gift, and to the awkwardness of knowing a poorly given gift is a white elephant that makes the giver feel bad when you don’t use it, don’t like it enough to make it part of your life, and won’t prioritize keeping it, and makes the recipient feel bad because they didn’t feel seen or understood and ultimately have to toss the thing into the landfill, contributing to the ongoing crisis of a civilization that doesn’t really know how to deal with its waste.
I love everything about Christmas Season except for the duty of finding gifts. Hate everything about it. The act of mutual gift-giving, which we evolved to create understanding by sacrifice that mutually supports both the giver and reciever.
Because that’s what “gift giving” is: an evolved behavior between individuals and tribes that represented a worthwhile sacrifice in order to foster good-will on the part of the giver, and wanted or needed support on the part of the recipient that the giver was not obligated to give but, having done so, hopes to cement or maintain strong ties with the recipient.
In a world in which we (for some sad, awful definition of “we”) have enough food, water, shelter, and distraction, gift-giving is a ritualized demand that does nothing but prove you either do or don’t know the other person. And if you do, you’re either lucky, family… or really fuckin’ creepy.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}