elfs | *Sigh* Stick it at the bottom of the pile, Muse

In my best Oh-Gods-What-Now voice: "Yes, Muse?"

"You know that story you really like? The one by Ted Chiang? Hell is the Absence of God?"

Really slowly: "Yeah?"

"What if it were a sex comedy?"

There's an angel on my roof. I have no idea what say to with her.

Jill and I were walking home from the movies when she just dropped out of the night sky in front of us. You know the scene-- broad wings, bright smile, cheerful expression. This one wore a silky top that criss-crossed her chest like something out of Star Trek, thigh-high white boots, and that was it. Her crotch was completely exposed. She was as smooth and hairless as a statute, and that whole "encompassed by light" thing seemed to focus on her right there. "Gabriel!" she shouted at me.

I cringed. You've read the Bible, right? Whenever God wants to deliver bad news, he sends you an angel. They appeared to Lot just before Sodom and Gomorrah got toasted. The best news an angel ever delivered in the Bible is to Mary: "Surprise, you're an underage unwed mother!" Guess that "abstinence only" thing is only 99.99% effective.

Jill was gripping my arm so hard there were going to be bruises. The angel looked confused. "You are Gabriel Reece, right?"

I hate when someone uses my full name. "Uh... yeah. It's Gabe."

"Good!" she said. Celstial smile. She could shill for Ultra-Brite. She dropped to the ground like an Olympic skater, folded her wings and made them disappear. The big white halo stayed, hovering an inch above her head. "I'm here to protect you."

"Oh no," Jill said. I felt the chill from her spine all the way over in mine. Because angels, when they appear, things happen. You can't be sure what. You just know that Heaven has its reasons and they're in-fucking-effable to you and me and that's all you need to know. Some of the good things and bad things in life are just accidents, and some are interventions from beyond. Angels appear on TV now and then. More often now than then.

So when Heaven sends you a beautiful, blond angel with a Wynona Rider haircut and not much else in the way of clothing and she says she's here to protect you, you know you've become involved in that effing up to your eyeballs. Life just got nasty and short. "From what?"

"Dunno."

I did not ask "Who sent you." The answer to that is obvious.