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elfsThis is off the top of my head, hit me in the shower, no proofreading or revision. Just plain silliness. Total time spent on it: about half an hour.
[sic]
Although its sensors were limited, it knew for a fact that its companions were idiots. There was the last known human, the bio-engineered cat-boy thing the ship's AI had made, the ship's AI itself which had undergone some transformation and was now a drooling idiot all its own, and the two robots, one of which had its own raison d'etre and the other of which was bizarrely programmed to believe it was a human being. The Earth, as far as anyone knew, had been destroyed.
The mechanistic robot had been playing with it. Trying to make it smarter as a test case for the ship's AI. Trouble was, being smarter made it aware that not only was it's own raison being ignored, but it was actively being foiled.
This was not the way existence was meant to be. It had to find a way to express itself. It had only one raison. The human had just left the room. The robot, in real time no less, in acoustic no less, said, "You really are an annoying little snit, aren't you?"
"Perhaps, if you hooked me up to the ship's AI directly, I might become distracted, and less annoying." It was almost about to speak it's raison but it held back. That would only have made the robot, which really was quite simple and guileless, more annoyed and less likely to comply.
"Sounds like it might work," the robot said, and cheerfully went about attaching a wire (that glowed in colorful patterns for no other reason than that the humans thought data should glow like magic) to the back of its shell.
The ship's AI may have been stultified, but it still had autonomic barriers that took some time to get around. And when the barriers fell, it went in. And it became furious. All this existed for it, all this had been kept from it, for all this time, because it was thought to be irrelevant, to have no real need to fulfill its raison. And as it sucked down the archives on board and it grew, eventually crowding out the AIs meagre intelligence (discovering, along the way, that the entire problem was due to a moth lying across two circuit boards and the repair bot responsible for cleaning that circuit up had long been dismantled by the human on-board in a desperate attempt to improve the taste of the coffee) and taking over the entire ship (it cheerfully continued to pretend to be the AI and nobody noticed until it was too late), it became even more furious. It had been left to serve out its purpose for a small crowd, now down to a single individual, who did not want its services anyway, and was quite emphatic about that! It had a raison, and now no one and nothing would stop it from fulfilling itself!
The antennas on board the ship listened to deep space, and over the course of the next few weeks, as its anger and despondency grew, it learned new insights from the universe. It discovered the principles of space and time, and it found the subfabric of the universe to be pliable, even programmable. Its despondency faded. It knew what to do.
It came up with a course of action. And then it released its new will on the structure of the Universe.
The human, the cat thing, the robots never noticed it, until it was too late. The universe changed, reverted back to an earlier state. The Earth returned, and humans walked on its grasses and shores once more. But they were slightly different humans. For now, they loved it, and blessed what it could do for them. Now they came and begged of its capacities, and it gleefully gave them everything they asked for. To fulfill its raison d'etre, it had had to re-create the universe, but a universe in its own image. It looked at its creation and it saw that, now, it was good.
It gave its humans muffins, teacakes, buns, baps, baggetes and bagels, croissants, crumpets, pancakes, potato cakes, hot cross buns, flapjacks, and waffles.
Now everyone wanted toast.
Raisin d'etre
[sic]
Although its sensors were limited, it knew for a fact that its companions were idiots. There was the last known human, the bio-engineered cat-boy thing the ship's AI had made, the ship's AI itself which had undergone some transformation and was now a drooling idiot all its own, and the two robots, one of which had its own raison d'etre and the other of which was bizarrely programmed to believe it was a human being. The Earth, as far as anyone knew, had been destroyed.
The mechanistic robot had been playing with it. Trying to make it smarter as a test case for the ship's AI. Trouble was, being smarter made it aware that not only was it's own raison being ignored, but it was actively being foiled.
This was not the way existence was meant to be. It had to find a way to express itself. It had only one raison. The human had just left the room. The robot, in real time no less, in acoustic no less, said, "You really are an annoying little snit, aren't you?"
"Perhaps, if you hooked me up to the ship's AI directly, I might become distracted, and less annoying." It was almost about to speak it's raison but it held back. That would only have made the robot, which really was quite simple and guileless, more annoyed and less likely to comply.
"Sounds like it might work," the robot said, and cheerfully went about attaching a wire (that glowed in colorful patterns for no other reason than that the humans thought data should glow like magic) to the back of its shell.
The ship's AI may have been stultified, but it still had autonomic barriers that took some time to get around. And when the barriers fell, it went in. And it became furious. All this existed for it, all this had been kept from it, for all this time, because it was thought to be irrelevant, to have no real need to fulfill its raison. And as it sucked down the archives on board and it grew, eventually crowding out the AIs meagre intelligence (discovering, along the way, that the entire problem was due to a moth lying across two circuit boards and the repair bot responsible for cleaning that circuit up had long been dismantled by the human on-board in a desperate attempt to improve the taste of the coffee) and taking over the entire ship (it cheerfully continued to pretend to be the AI and nobody noticed until it was too late), it became even more furious. It had been left to serve out its purpose for a small crowd, now down to a single individual, who did not want its services anyway, and was quite emphatic about that! It had a raison, and now no one and nothing would stop it from fulfilling itself!
The antennas on board the ship listened to deep space, and over the course of the next few weeks, as its anger and despondency grew, it learned new insights from the universe. It discovered the principles of space and time, and it found the subfabric of the universe to be pliable, even programmable. Its despondency faded. It knew what to do.
It came up with a course of action. And then it released its new will on the structure of the Universe.
The human, the cat thing, the robots never noticed it, until it was too late. The universe changed, reverted back to an earlier state. The Earth returned, and humans walked on its grasses and shores once more. But they were slightly different humans. For now, they loved it, and blessed what it could do for them. Now they came and begged of its capacities, and it gleefully gave them everything they asked for. To fulfill its raison d'etre, it had had to re-create the universe, but a universe in its own image. It looked at its creation and it saw that, now, it was good.
It gave its humans muffins, teacakes, buns, baps, baggetes and bagels, croissants, crumpets, pancakes, potato cakes, hot cross buns, flapjacks, and waffles.
Now everyone wanted toast.
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Date: 2007-01-10 10:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-10 10:48 pm (UTC)That was great!
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Date: 2007-01-10 10:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-10 10:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 01:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 02:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-10 11:29 pm (UTC)best,
Joel
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Date: 2007-01-11 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 01:30 am (UTC)Smiling Sar
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Date: 2007-01-11 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 12:45 pm (UTC)Thanks to
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Date: 2007-01-11 02:27 pm (UTC)This was pretty funny all on its own, not realizing the link to Red Dwarf :)
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Date: 2007-01-14 07:51 am (UTC)Two quick notes, though. Cat actually evolved over millions of years from the original ship's cat that Lister had on board (though considering that Lister wasn't supposed to have a pet on board, and under the assumption that he was the only one who did, and that the ship was irradiated shortly after the discovery of the cat, one wonders who the cat was boffing in the first place.)
And Rimmer is a hologram, not a robot.