elfs | Special Management Meal

Last Night, the Haunted House here in Seattle hosted its annual food party. As threatened, I brought Special Management Loaf, the official food of toublemakers in U.S. Federal Prisons. Here's the recipe:

6 slices whole wheat bread, finely chopped
4 ounces velveeta or low-fat chedder cheese
4 ounces raw carrots, finely grated
12 ounces spinach, canned, drained
1 can Great Northern Beans, drained and rinsed.
4 tablespoons neutral vegetable oil
3/4 cup ounces potato flakes, dehydrated
6 ounces tomato paste
1 cup powdered skim milk
1/2 cup raisins

I prepped most of this in a food processor. Then, mix all of the ingredients in a large bowl until all of the dry ingredients are moistened and the mix is uniform and stiff enough to spread evenly. Bake in bread loaf pans-- parchment liner is recommended, and put in a pan of water to keep the bottom from burning-- and 325 degrees for about 45 minutes.

Even mixing this stuff is gross. It smells institutional, like something you'd expect to find at your less mealworthy cafeterias, inner-city high schools, and insane asylums. It comes out as this vaguely colorful mass, but it's just... yuck.

So I cooked it. And I'll tell you, it is as bad as the prisons intend. It's not technically punishment: the idea is that it's a small amount of highly frangible and highly nutritious food that won't stain if it gets on a guard's uniform, so if you throw your food, this in what you eat for a week. There must be centers of the brain that record whether or not a food is tasty and good, or nasty and bad, and Management Loaf strikes absolutely none of those centers. It is the most boring, bland food you've ever tasted. Your brain basically demands to know why you're putting something so incredibly boring into your mouth. Even though it has 100% USRDA of vitamins, minerals, protein, and calories, it's so incredibly boring that your tastebuds cry out for an alternative. It's no surprise that prisoners will soon be willing to do almost anything to not be subjected to another week of Special Management Loaf.