Two weeks with Yamaarashi-chan

[elfs]

Over the past two weeks, I have had the pleasure of watching Yamaarashi-chan emerge from her usual shell and become an amazing, happy, healthy girl. It has at times been something of a struggle, but I've had a lot of help from my family and I'm really appreciative for all of them. But best of all has been watching the joy on Yamaarashi-chan's face as she's hurtled from one activity to the next.

Omaha and I registered both Yamaarashi-chan and Kouryou-chan for the YMCA daycamp, which ran from 8:30 until 4:30 every day, for the past two weeks. On the first Monday she went with a "Yeah, sure, I'll go." By Wednesday she and Kouryou-chan were coming home, singing all manner of camp songs (some of which are outrageously gross and morbid, as they should be). At first, it drove me a bit crazy to listen to them, but I realized as they sang them and pantomimed them that they were occupied and out of trouble, and it really gladdens my heart to see them getting along so well. The two girls really love and respect one another: they read to each other, they play games together, they're even reasonable about sharing the Sega console when we give them time to play. She was terribly disappointed to learn that she would miss the third week of YMCA, but she's to spend that week at her mother's house and her mom has other plans.

I think Yamaarashi-chan's really come to appreciate some of the things about my household that I feel are valuable: a sense of place, a collection of routines, established limits. The sense that there's a right and wrong above and beyond not making someone else mad. That there is a principled way to live that has much less to do with trying to avoid pissing off someone else, basic instrumentalism, and more with actively trying to make yourself and your world a better and happier place. Some of that is achieved by routine: what you should and should not say in front of others, what you should and should not do.

Me & Yamaarashi-chan. Photo by Kouryou-chan.
Hosted on Flickr!. Click to enlarge.

Maybe I think and worry too much about that kind of stuff. Still, it's been a good two weeks. We had to buy her new shoes, so she's now got a decent pair of sneakers with laces which she had to learn to tie by herself. She's learned to ride her bicycle. To my terror, she's learning to climb trees. She's even made her own sandwiches for lunch with minimal supervision. Omaha has been teaching her necessary girl things, like proper hair-care. Both girls have just been voracious readers, going through four Magic Treehouse books a week, and now they're almost up to twenty. Neither kid is in third grade yet.

And I've done a terrible thing. I've bought Yamaarashi-chan her first academic organizer. It's the Franklin-Covey Elementary Agenda, a week-based agenda designed for children six and up who can successfully read and write. We had a bit of a struggle last year keeping track of her class work, projects, and schedules. At one point she had a four-week research project on South Africa (during which, when she came to visit me, we cooked some native recipes) and it turned out that the only people helping her (or even encouraging her) on the project were Omaha and I. We're determined not to let things like that slip this year, so I'm going to teach her week-based GTD, and Sunday afternoons she'll join Omaha and I in the weekly planning. I don't promise to be perfect about it, but having the tools is better than not.

Yamaarashi-chan is off to her mother's for her first summer visit. Kouryou-chan was so upset to not have Yamaarashi-chan there with her this morning she balked and refused to go to camp. She agreed she'll go tomorrow.

Still, Yamaarashi-chan seems to have settled into living with me and Omaha and Kouryou-chan quite well. We've done what we can to make the transition easy and happy. The distractions of a kid-filled neighborhood, summer camp, bicycles and outings helped a lot, but I still spent a lot of time with her and I think she's going to love it here.

Comments

[tonyawinter.livejournal.com]

I'm SO happy for you all! This news made me all squishy inside. :)

[technoshaman.livejournal.com]

I was worried it might be... more difficult. Good to know that those fears were unfounded.

[elfs.livejournal.com]

I wasn't worried mostly because she's rather easy-going about location. I do worry that that's akin to fatalism and I want her to have high expectations and aspirations and live with them. When she's at her mother's house she almost never calls me; when she's been at my house she's never expressed an active interest in calling her mother's house.

Heh. Had a funny moment about that last week. I was out shopping for groceries with the kids, and when I got back they ran into the back yard to swing on the swings. Omaha steps out on the deck and calls to Yamaarashi-chan. "Your mother called." "Ok!" She kept swinging. "She wants you to call her back." "Ok!" She kept swinging. "That means now, sweetheart." "Ok!" And then she got off the swing.

I bet she'd do the same thing if I called her over there.

[jenk]

From the little I've seen of Yamaarashi-chan, she's very focused on the now. Not uncommon for that age.

[(Anonymous)]

I think all kids are like that. When I was her age, I never wanted to come in from playing until I absolutely had to (five minutes before bedtime).

[kenshardik]

That picture of you and Yamaarashi-chan is priceless. I am glad for your prosperity.

[elfs.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I sometimes wonder what it will mean for posterity that all of the photos of me at this time were taken by a five-year-old.

[kenshardik]

Yes, you should rectify that so that future generations can say, "Wow, that Elf sure could take a flogging, couldn't he?"

[casualprofessor.livejournal.com]

It sounds good. Children with alienated parents often have trouble transitioning - I hope it all works well for you. It's also really great that YC has a peer (KC) to help the transition and maintain the expectations. And that KC seems to be embracing her older sister.

[omahas.livejournal.com]

And that KC seems to be embracing her older sister.

One of the things I was worried about was that Kouryou-chan might start resenting giving up time with either Elf or myself to Yamaarashi-chan. She had shown before the transition a tendancy sometimes towards hogging of affection, and I wondered what might happen when Yamaarashi-chan moved in. But she's been a wonderful child, sharing everything just as before, and not showing resentment.

One of the reasons I wanted to get the Sunday all-family planning sessions going was that it would give the kids an opportunity to express issues that they had with each other or with us in a safe environment. Things such as, "I'm angry because Yamaarashi always gets to do x, y, and z with you too" can be turned into, "would you luck me to schedule special time with you so that we can do x, y, or z together?" or something to that affect. But without such kinds of sessions, we might never know that the problem existed, or that it existed in the manner it did.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it's going so well.

I remembered Yamaarashi-chan has a lazy eye. Have you seen this development (http://www.israel21c.org/bin/en.jsp?enDispWho=Articles%5El1049&enPage=BlankPage&enDisplay=view&enDispWhat=object&enVersion=0&enZone=Technology) from Israel?

[elfs.livejournal.com]

I have not, thank you! She's past patching now; she's only on to daily eye therapy. One of the things I did over the two-week period while she was here was run to the arts & crafts store to pick up all of the things necessary to make new eye therapy kits. When she came over two weeks ago she said that she hadn't been doing them at her mom's house because they couldn't find the kit. It's just a bunch of tongue depressors with stickers on them for the close-range exercise, and a string with some high-contrast colored beads on it for the long-range exercise. I made six kits last week along with an instruction sheet for her counselors when she goes to overnight camp.

[riverheart.livejournal.com]

The thing that strikes me most about that picture is that Yamaarashi-chan looks happy.

I'm glad. I hope it continues to go well for everyone (including her mother).

[hlmt.livejournal.com]

I love to see those genuine smiles. I'm sure they won't be there all the time, but that they have been promises many more.

This is SO cool!

[dakiwiboid.livejournal.com]

And it's what I was praying for! Keep up the good work!

[(Anonymous)]

Just don't continue forcing her to ask permission to speak to her mother in public, when you are all at the same events. Courts frown on that kind of behavior, and it's not fair to her as a child, nor right.

Best of luck to ALL of you, and may you all finally manage to be adults with one another.

[elfs.livejournal.com]

I think she understands that the families are separated and likely to stay that way. Requiring her to ask permission before going over to the other family when it is her time to be with one was a course of action recommended by both legal counsel and the child's advocate, and I've been scrupulous about making sure she has asked her mother for permission before coming over to me. It may not be "fair," but neither is separate households anyway.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm sure the legal counsel intended only that she make sure the parent who is supposed to be keeping track of her knows where she is. Not that she be made to ask permission before even saying hello.

[mokie-sassafras.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine that they meant to ask permission when you're all in the same place together. Perhaps you need to clarify that?

Although seperate households isn't "fair", it's up to the parents to make transitions and communication as smooth and inclusive as possible. Open, friendly communication between both households can only be for the good of the child.

[(Anonymous)]

Not allowing a child to speak to a parent is frequently part of a pattern of behavior called "alienation of affection", and it's actually considered abusive, That may not be what's going on this case, but it does raise some red flags. Especially when the child and both parents are at the same function. It's very cruel and bizarre for one parent to tell a child to stay away from the other parent in such a setting. From my experience, judges in the family court certainly consider it so.

[elfs.livejournal.com]

Please email me if you wish to continue this conversation.