Grrrr.....
Sep. 24th, 2003 09:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elfsLast night, I had everything ready for bed and got to bed only five minutes or so past the usual bedtime, despite being out late hanging with the Quicksilver crowd.
At 4:40 this morning, I am roughly awakened by Omaha and Kouryou-chan arguing. Kouryou-chan is trying to get into the grown-up's bed, something she knows she's not allowed to do on a work week, when schedules are tight and parents are exhausted. She's whiney and crying and clawing, and when I decide to lay the hard-ass this time Omaha capitulates.
Of course, for the next half hour, if she's not kicking me, Kouryou-chan is reaching out to grab me, to make sure I'm still there. I do not sleep well with this. The alarm goes off at 5:30 to tell me to go swimming.
I ignore it. I'm tired, I'm cranky. The alarm cycles through twice again, and finally, ten minutes behind schedule already, I crawl out of bed. I discover that Kouryou-chan got her hands on my sports watch and dismantled part of the wrist strap. Fine, I can live with that, I don't have to wear it when I swim. I go to get ready for the pool.
The cat has peed on my sweatpants.
I'd finally had it. Maybe I had a small breakdown this morning, I don't know, but I couldn't help just sitting down on the floor of the changing room and having a good cry for a few minutes. I mean, is there something malevolent in the universe that doesn't want me to get better, to get the exercise I want and need to improve? I have this terrifying image of myself ten years from now, fat as Homer Simpson, scabrous with psoriasis, hands gnarled to uselessness with tendonitis, carpal tunnel, and arthritis, back bowed with choronditis...
And I don't feel like I get support for fighting this fate from Omaha. She doesn't take it seriously. Maybe she's right; after all, after carrying around a textbook on Japanese for two years, I'm still in chapter four. I still have a sketchbook in my backpack with only six sketches in it a year after I bought it. The only thing I take seriously is my writing.
But I take Omaha's hobbies seriously too. I have dutifully driven her to her radio gig every Monday. This even though it is a year after the deadline by which she was supposed to have started making enough money to at least afford her own ride to the studio. I stood by her during the whole Pirate Software debacle.
Heh. Here I am, 37 and still whining like a 16 year old, "I just wish somebody understood."
At 4:40 this morning, I am roughly awakened by Omaha and Kouryou-chan arguing. Kouryou-chan is trying to get into the grown-up's bed, something she knows she's not allowed to do on a work week, when schedules are tight and parents are exhausted. She's whiney and crying and clawing, and when I decide to lay the hard-ass this time Omaha capitulates.
Of course, for the next half hour, if she's not kicking me, Kouryou-chan is reaching out to grab me, to make sure I'm still there. I do not sleep well with this. The alarm goes off at 5:30 to tell me to go swimming.
I ignore it. I'm tired, I'm cranky. The alarm cycles through twice again, and finally, ten minutes behind schedule already, I crawl out of bed. I discover that Kouryou-chan got her hands on my sports watch and dismantled part of the wrist strap. Fine, I can live with that, I don't have to wear it when I swim. I go to get ready for the pool.
The cat has peed on my sweatpants.
I'd finally had it. Maybe I had a small breakdown this morning, I don't know, but I couldn't help just sitting down on the floor of the changing room and having a good cry for a few minutes. I mean, is there something malevolent in the universe that doesn't want me to get better, to get the exercise I want and need to improve? I have this terrifying image of myself ten years from now, fat as Homer Simpson, scabrous with psoriasis, hands gnarled to uselessness with tendonitis, carpal tunnel, and arthritis, back bowed with choronditis...
And I don't feel like I get support for fighting this fate from Omaha. She doesn't take it seriously. Maybe she's right; after all, after carrying around a textbook on Japanese for two years, I'm still in chapter four. I still have a sketchbook in my backpack with only six sketches in it a year after I bought it. The only thing I take seriously is my writing.
But I take Omaha's hobbies seriously too. I have dutifully driven her to her radio gig every Monday. This even though it is a year after the deadline by which she was supposed to have started making enough money to at least afford her own ride to the studio. I stood by her during the whole Pirate Software debacle.
Heh. Here I am, 37 and still whining like a 16 year old, "I just wish somebody understood."
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-24 04:37 pm (UTC)Look at it this way sweetie ... it's not a matter of the universe trying to stop you, it's more that it's giving you opportunities to expand your capacity for dealing with frustration and obstacles with grace.
In other words, it's AFGO--Another Fucking Growth Opportunity. And yes, they always suck rocks.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-24 04:56 pm (UTC)I do take your fight seriously, sweetheart. I just don't think you should be fighting so hard so soon. I don't want to see you get your upper back hurt in your desperate attempt to make sure your hands don't stop working for your coding and your typing. I love you very much, and want you whole...all of you, not just the hands :)
I just think you should slow down, and take it a little easier.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-24 05:47 pm (UTC)What's keeping you from drawing?
What Pirate Software debacle?
no subject
Date: 2003-09-24 09:38 pm (UTC)What Pirate Software debacle?
That's a question better and more easily answered in person, I assure you. If you really want to know, ask me sometime, I can give you the outline.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-24 06:34 pm (UTC)It's hard looking forward to a decline but, it is worth it to work against it. As you saw when I turned 40, working with deliberation towards improving your body can work. It took me about a year to realize those changes and it wasn't easy along the way. I was tired, I hurt, I ate motrin, but I continued.
I took a break and ended up in fairly poor shape but, with Karate, Aikido, my diet and now running, things are returning. I applaud your efforts at swimming. Keep it up.
Continue, my friend, and do so oblivious to any sense of urgency. It will take some time.
Baby steps...baby steps...
I do understand.