My favorite recruitment call...

My favorite recruitment pitches always come from The Cobalt Group. I get about two a year, usually from someone who hasn't looked me up in their database. Today's call went something like this:

"Hi, Elf. I'm Sandy from The Cobalt Group. I came across an older copy of your resume' on-line and I was wondering if you were in the market?" I made some random noise to the effect that I'm willing to listen to the pitch. "Oh, good. Are you familiar with The Cobalt Group?"

"Yes," I said. "I was your very first programmer, back in 1995."

"You were?" They always sound genuinely surprised.

"Yes. Back when you were Cobalt Automative Resellers, I ran your original website. It was in a Sparc 20 under my desk that I kicked once in a while." (Along with MissingKids.org and GenieLift.com, come to think of it.)

"Oh. Well, we don't seem to have you in our list of hires."

"I was a contract worker. Cobalt had a long-term hosting relationship with NoVX Internet Hosting back then, which hired me out to you."

"Oh, that makes sense. Well, since you've worked with us before, would you like to work with us again? We have several Java openings."

"Sandy," I say, now sounding weary, "As much as I'd love to work for Cobalt again, I have no Java experience on my resume'. Why did you think I was a suitable candidate for a Java position?"

"I thought you said you had worked on our website."

"I did. In 1995. There was no Java in 1995. We were working in Perl back then. That's one of the foundational LAMP languages. I still work in the LAMP space, mostly with Python, Ruby, and Node these days. I wouldn't be a good candidate for a Java position right now." (This isn't actually true; I'm sure I could pick up the basics of Java in a week or two, and six months from now you'd never know I had never worked with it. But having done a few Java experiments, mostly with Spring, I'm convinced that Java verbose, excessive, and concentrates on solving the wrong problems when used for web application development.)

"Oh. Well, thank you for your time, then."

It happens like clockwork.  And it's always entertaining.

My second favorite recruitment call...

My second favorite recruitment call always involves this exchange:

"Are you familiar with the Apache web server program?"

"I hope so. I helped write it."

"You did?" This is always said in a tone of intense surprise.

I put on the world-weary tone: "I helped write the logging and tracking plugins that shipped with Apache version 1. The Apache web server is an open source project with thousands of contributors. You're bound to call one of us, once in a while."

It never ceases to amaze me that recruiters looking for open-source developers are surprised when they find contributors to open-source projects.

Can you imagine this... with men?

I will be the first to admit that I find the idea of She-Hulk fondling herself, and the full set of superheroine PSAs about doing breast self-exams probably has its heart in the right place.

However, it gives me pause when I appreciate that a similarly conceived and executed set about testicular cancer would probably not be equally vell-received. Tony Stark fondling himself in the shower might be hot for me, but probably not for most people. And the idea of Nightcrawler giving himself a prostate massage is, well, my cup of tea, but I understand I'm not in a majority.