Comcast's customer services is an Eliza program

[elfs]

I had a brief network outage this morning, about two hours, and it was annoying: about half the Internet was unavailable to me, including some reference sites I needed for work. I decided to use Comcast's "Online Customer Service Chat" system, since that seemed to be more timely than using the phone.

Tell me "Nikki" here isn't an Eliza program:

Nikki> Hi there! How are you doing today?
Elf> Pretty good, all things considered.
Nikki> Great to know you are doing good.
Elf> Has there been a border router failure somewhere? Major sites like Slashdot, Tumblr, my bank, some (but not all) parts of Amazon seem to be unavailable. I was able to SSH into a remote site and access Slashdot through there, so it seem to be a router issue.
Nikki> I see here you are having problems with your internet connection. Are you referring to slow connectivity?
Elf> No, I'm referring to route completion failure. I have no connectivity (not slow, not "intermittent", but *no*) connectivity to about half the Internet. When I run traceroute, packet delivery fails somewhere near the Comcast border.
Nikki> Just to verify, you have no internet connection, is that correct?
Elf> No, I have Internet connection. I'm talking to you, aren't I?
Nikki> Okay.
Elf> But it's unlikely that all of those sites went down as one. Oh, and add Twitter to the list of sites I can't reach. Bing comes up. Yahoo comes up.
Nikki> Does this mean you are having problems accessing some websites, is that correct?
Elf> Yes.
Nikki> I see. I understand that you are having problem accessing some websites. I apologize for the inconvenience this has caused you. Do not worry, your satisfaction is my top priority. I will do my best so that your internet will work again today.
Nikki> I have checked the account and I see there is currently an outage in your area. This is the reason your connection is so slow and you cannot access some websites. It is not a problem with your computer.
Elf> Thank you. Your "network status" page does not reflect this problem.
Nikki> Please consider this issue closed. Our network techinicans will have your connection up as soon as possible.
Elf> Fine, thanks. Have a nice day.

Hell, I could write that program. It just picked out some codewords and fed them through an algorithm, winnowing down possibilities without any initiative at all, trying to figure out if it could solve the problem before it had to call the real Nikki and have its human overseer deal with the issue.

Comments

[hydrolagus.livejournal.com]

I knew I was going to need to leave a job when the new supervisor decided we needed to work from a script, especially one in which we were required to try to plug additional services before addressing the customer's issue.

[stephaniesmom.livejournal.com]

Egad. I feel for you. It's one thing to work from a script if you're in a marketing company, but never tech support. I expect my tech support to actually know more than I do. This is why I call, because I, you know, need help?

[gromm.livejournal.com]

I probably would have quit that very afternoon, saying that they were no longer asking me to provide customer service; they just wanted me to serve as a human-computer interface. And that it was nothing short of being a massive *disservice* to their customers.

Not that they'd care, quite honestly. Large companies are interested in minimizing the gap between "what the customer will put up with" and "the minimum amount of service we can provide per customer".