Bad Asstoy Users

[elfs]

The other day I was telling Omaha that I wished I were still a sex blogger; there's so much bad advice out there I don't know where to start. I have kids who can use the Internet, and I hardly want to parade my adult vices where they can see them, but it's not as if I could suppress everything that's already archived by Google.

But I saw something other day that made me go "Eww." So...

I had the house to myself for an evening, and I have Fleshbot on my RSS reader, and was following links, and eventually I ended up on X-Tube, looking through the various offerings. I stumbled upon a young man stuffing the most enormous toys up his backside with gusto and abandon. And as he moves onto one of the bigger dildos, a TSG Caterpillar, he gets up and picks up a tube of something off the shelf. As he slathers it onto the toy he says to the camera: "Lidocane. God's gift."

No. My reaction was "dude, you are going to hurt yourself, and when you do you are not even going to know it." I said this all the time back in the 90s, and I'll say it again: using topical painkillers is no way to enhance a sensual experience. It's stupidity squared, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear that this guy ended up in a hospital.

Pain exists for a reason: it's to tell you when you're damaging something. Smart S&M players understand the types, distinctions and gradations of pain. Using painkillers like lidocaine in those circumstances are just outright stupid: Playing with toys in the three-plus inch diameter (not circumference) range is an extreme sport, and ought to be treated as such.

Of course, all the comments on X-Tube accompanying the video complimented him on his skill and hotness. Idiots, all of them.

Comments

[jeriendhal.livejournal.com]

You know, you put a freaking warning label on your cut tag, and I opened it anyway.

[gromm.livejournal.com]

Oh, so *that's* why I like Fetlife. Every time someone suggests or complains about the use of things like Anal-eze or any other topical anaesthetic like that, they get shouted down with posts like "Omfg! What the hell are you doing?"

And usually, the original posters end up taking our advice too.

[doodlesthegreat.livejournal.com]

Jesus christ, do these morons all want to end up like goatse.cx?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_candide_/]

Actually, I suspect that the guy from "gaotse.cx" knew what he was doing, and had been practicing for years before he reached the point where he could take large objects.

As Elf put it, playing with anything larger than 3" diameter is sex-as-extreme-sport.

[m-o-w.livejournal.com]

I was thinking of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome ...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_candide_/]

Y'know, Elf, I still remember all of that advice that you gave back in the 90's, and now dispense it myself.

Like, "use plenty of lube; when you think you've put on too much, then you almost have enough."

I react to, "use chemicals to dull the pain," just as you taught me: the pain is there for a reason. Then I follow up with some things I've learned elsewhere over the years: The idea that, "(anal) sex is supposed to hurt the first time," comes from the "gay==woman" fallacy. The idea that the first time is supposed to hurt for women comes from (a) Ripping of the hymen causing bleeding [humans associate bleeding with pain]; (b) str8 men who are lousy in bed, caring only about getting their rocks off. Erotica, str8 and gay, only reinforces this.

So when I encounter questions online from gay guys about, "the first time," I always say, "If it hurts, stop. Do not pass 'GO.' Do not collect $200. Sex is over for the night."