My Yearly Dose of Angst and Anguish
Dec. 2nd, 2004 10:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elfsSo, while I was making dinner, my mother called. I think she was drunk, which is a rare condition for her these days, thankfully, but when she gets that way she calls me up and gives me an hour of angst and anguish. And oh, boy, did she have a lot saved up this time.
Y'see, my father and I aren't talking. Or, rather, my father isn't talking to me. I've sent him letters and tried to reach out to him, but to no avail. My mother suspects that my sister, who has contact with him, has been trying to poison my relationship with him, but we don't have any idea why. He sent Kouryou-chan a happy birthday card, but no return address on it. Omaha wondered if maybe he was trying to avoid having us throw the card away before Kouryou-chan got it.
Anyway, she said all sorts of things that were typical for her. And a few that surprised me. My father has a daughter from a previous marriage, and apparently she has come out of the closet, and my mother said, "Don't be mad at her. I know how you feel about those kinds of people, but, hey, if she's happy she's happy." I'm not out to my mother, obviously, and I think she was projecting since I don't recall ever having the subject of gays and lesbians come up in conversation. She also said that she was glad to send me away to a boarding school, "even if you were the token Jew because, you know, if you went to school down here like your brother did, you'd be in a school where your peers would all be low class, and I didn't want that."
She said a lot of other things that I tried not to take offense or be hurt over, especially not the racial epithets about the people moving into her neighborhood from "down south." I don't think I was appropriately contrite with some of the sacrifices she mentioned she'd made along the way. Oh, well.
So she has it in her mind that she's going to talk to my father and try to figure out what I can do to make amends to him. First, I think I'd like to know what he thinks is wrong. And if twelve years isn't enough time for forgiveness. I hate to think that the next time I see him is gonna be at his funeral. And heck, even if he doesn't want to talk to me, he should at least talk to his granddaughter. Of all of his children, I'm the only one who has a normal life. My sister never wants to be more than a cog in the service sector, has no children and no prospects and is probably going to wake up at 42, slap herself in the forehead and shout, "Oh, shit, I forgot to have a life!" My brother is wasting away as manager of some mid-range hotel and like my sister has no family to suceed him and no prospects. I'm the only one who did anything interesting with my life. I'd like at least to thank him for giving me all the tools I needed.
My only problem is that I don't think he'd understand what I was thanking him for. My parents gave me the finest secondary and college education money could provide and my poor scholarship could sustain, and they tried hard. I've gotten to the point where I understand what they were doing. Maybe I needed to have kids of my own, and a mortgage, and a cat and trees in the backyard that need me. Still, I wish he'd give me the chance.
Y'see, my father and I aren't talking. Or, rather, my father isn't talking to me. I've sent him letters and tried to reach out to him, but to no avail. My mother suspects that my sister, who has contact with him, has been trying to poison my relationship with him, but we don't have any idea why. He sent Kouryou-chan a happy birthday card, but no return address on it. Omaha wondered if maybe he was trying to avoid having us throw the card away before Kouryou-chan got it.
Anyway, she said all sorts of things that were typical for her. And a few that surprised me. My father has a daughter from a previous marriage, and apparently she has come out of the closet, and my mother said, "Don't be mad at her. I know how you feel about those kinds of people, but, hey, if she's happy she's happy." I'm not out to my mother, obviously, and I think she was projecting since I don't recall ever having the subject of gays and lesbians come up in conversation. She also said that she was glad to send me away to a boarding school, "even if you were the token Jew because, you know, if you went to school down here like your brother did, you'd be in a school where your peers would all be low class, and I didn't want that."
She said a lot of other things that I tried not to take offense or be hurt over, especially not the racial epithets about the people moving into her neighborhood from "down south." I don't think I was appropriately contrite with some of the sacrifices she mentioned she'd made along the way. Oh, well.
So she has it in her mind that she's going to talk to my father and try to figure out what I can do to make amends to him. First, I think I'd like to know what he thinks is wrong. And if twelve years isn't enough time for forgiveness. I hate to think that the next time I see him is gonna be at his funeral. And heck, even if he doesn't want to talk to me, he should at least talk to his granddaughter. Of all of his children, I'm the only one who has a normal life. My sister never wants to be more than a cog in the service sector, has no children and no prospects and is probably going to wake up at 42, slap herself in the forehead and shout, "Oh, shit, I forgot to have a life!" My brother is wasting away as manager of some mid-range hotel and like my sister has no family to suceed him and no prospects. I'm the only one who did anything interesting with my life. I'd like at least to thank him for giving me all the tools I needed.
My only problem is that I don't think he'd understand what I was thanking him for. My parents gave me the finest secondary and college education money could provide and my poor scholarship could sustain, and they tried hard. I've gotten to the point where I understand what they were doing. Maybe I needed to have kids of my own, and a mortgage, and a cat and trees in the backyard that need me. Still, I wish he'd give me the chance.
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no subject
Date: 2004-12-03 08:03 am (UTC)0_o
Date: 2004-12-03 10:03 am (UTC)I live amid an absolute legion of oddities.
On a more serious note, my sympathies about the poor state of your relationship with your family.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-03 05:06 pm (UTC)All the best... I know these things hurt.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-04 06:06 am (UTC)