Dear US Republicans: Fuck You. Love, the UK

John Boehner, Jim DeMint, and Mitch McConnell are completely, totally, and utterly outclassed by a true conservative:

I'm a bad bisexual...

The other day, I was cleaning out the back of our staples cabinet, when I came across a jar of Nutella. "Oh yeah," says me to myself, "I remember buying that stuff back when soc.bi was interesting, and I wanted to be part of that crowd." I opened the jar and was immediately rewarded with the acrid aroma of wet cardboard. The stuff had gone completely rancid.

This is somewhat surprising as rancidity in oils takes a long time, in the presence of such darkness as the back of a food cabinet and surrounded by cocoa. I searched for the date. "Use by July, 2005."

It was barely used. I tossed it.

Bertrice Small drops multiple F-bombs!

In Bertrice Small's latest paperback romance, A Dangerous Love, she drops the word fuck so often you'd think she'd watched a little too much porn. Check this out:

"Yes, M'Lass," he whispered in her ear as he fucked her, and her nails raked down his long back. He pushed her legs over her head, plunged deeper, and she screamed her enjoyment as the prince watched, his own desire aroused once more to a fever pitch. The older man howled with delight as his juices spilled forth, and once more the prince took his place.

Agnes Carr knew she'd never been fucked so well or so enthusiastically in such a short period of time. The young prince atop her was tireless, it would seem. His thick and long cock plunged deeply again and again. She could not help herself, her nails raked the flesh of his royal back and in response he fucked her harder until she was weeping her pleasure. Only in the end did he withdraw from her, kissing her tears and praising her as a fine lass.

That's so over-the-top pornographic it makes me blush. And it makes me want to write better. Because that's just bad: there's not a single moment in the entire scene that reveals character or advances the plot. It's pure mind candy, the kind of stuff I write when I'm bored, and rarely want to show to anyone, Tiny Shuttles not withstanding.

Even worse, Small drops the surprise that one of the men leaves the scene even "as the prince enjoyed her back passage." I'm like, WTF, a historical novel in which anal goes by without so much as blink. I'm sorry, but even as a sodomite myself I know damn well that heterosexual porn, especially historical heterosexual porn, demands much, much more than a mere seven word by-your-leave for an assfuck.

The last third of the book appears to be nothing more than shag after shag, each marriage, relationship, or family united by little more than libidinous urges tied to nothing more than the desire to get off. It's a very silly book.

Hot, though, if you're into that sort of thing.