Noos

Today's news is read by our guest, the Swedish Chef.

Furst ooffff, fur thuse-a ooff us in zee indoostry, cumes Zee Vurst Jubs in Sceeence-a. Frum "Bernyerd Mestoorbetur" tu "Feesh Cuoonter" und iferytheeng in betveee, zeese-a ere-a zee jubs thet soobject yuoo tu buredum, reedicoole-a, oor joost pleeen feelt und deeseese-a. Lufe-a zee icuns, ispeceeelly "Psychulugeecel turtoore-a."

Zee dey effter zee Vell Street Juoornel lemented zee deet ooff zee puleeticel insoolt, oone-a Cunedeeun pul refferred tu hees reefel es "an evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet."

Meys Sveecurd ves hured 26 yeers egu tu feend oooot vhet zee hermffool reesks ooff cell phune-a use-a vere-a tu hoomun beeengs. Effter 26 yeers ooff luukeeng, he-a hes cunclooded zeere-a ere-a nune-a.

A yuoong gurl in Bungledesh ves keednepped frum her hume-a und reped by zee sun ooff a lucel veelthy pooer-bruker in her deestrict. Zee ind resoolt: she-a ves vheepped by her feellege-a ilders fur beeeng a tempteshun und deefurced by her hoosbund.

Und in Breetein, zee gufernment hes deceeded thet ifery cheeld belungs in a detebese-a, zee better tu treck zeem. Zee ergooments ere-a tvuffuld: it veell prefent mure-a tregedeees, und it veell elsu elloo zee stete-a tu interfene-a veet keeds vhu, becoose-a zeey ere-a truoobled, veell becume-a meescreunts in zee footoore-a. Bork Bork Bork!