Brains: "This is bad comedy!"

[elfs]

Cult Members Issue Death Threats Over Stolen Magic Muffin

In what has to be one of the kookiest, most insane incidents in modern memory, some kid snuck a communion wafer out of a Catholic Church one Sunday, and Church members are requesting a hate crime investigation and issuing death threats against the guy. If you read the bottom of that second article from Fox, you'll see that Fox is virtually begging people to harass the guy further.

One priest compared the incident to "a kidnapping" (wait, Jesus can be kidnapped?) and the university where it occurred has now posted armed police officers inside the church during service to make sure it never happens again. Over-the-top Angry Catholic Guy Bill Donahoe has said, "It's hard to think of anything more vile than to intentionally desecrate the body of Christ." (Yo, Bill, have you seen what's going on in Zimbabwe? Besides, you were about to eat it! And what about intentionally descrating the bodies of choirboys? Get your hands out of your pants, Bill!)

It's nice to see the Catholics have learned from the Islamicists: if you develop a reputation for random, crazy violence, maybe people will be too frightened to fuck with you.

Girls: Your Body Is Like A Lollipop

Andrew Sullivan brings us a photo of an ad running in Arabic-speaking magazines that shows a wrapped up unmolested lollipop, and then an unwrapped one covered in flies. The text reads "You won't be able to stop men, but you can protect yourself."

He then digs up lovely Christian version of the same thing, said by Darren Washington at the Eight Annual Abstinence Conference in 2004:

Your body is a wrapped lollipop.

When you have sex with a man, he unwraps your lollipop and sucks on it.

It may feel great at the time, but, unfortunately, when he's done with you, all you have left for your next partner is a poorly wrapped, saliva-fouled sucker.

Isn't it nice to see that the hajib is something both Muslims and Christians can agree on?

Jonah, Jonah, Jonah, Jonah...

I ♥ Jonah Goldberg. He's one of those right-wingers who entertains me with his madness. Jonah wrote:

There's a weird irony at work when Sen. Barack Obama, the black presidential candidate who will allegedly scrub the stain of racism from the nation, vows to run afoul of the constitutional amendment that abolished slavery. For those who don't remember, the 13th Amendment says: "Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime ... shall exist within the United States." I guess in Obama's mind it must be a crime to be born or to go to college.

Of course, what Obama really said was that he'd like to see federal aid be conditional on participation in some kind of service program. Whether you agree with that position or not (and frankly, I feel too uninformed to have an opinion either way), it's no more "slavery" than having to, you know, actually take tests or qualify for loans in other ways.

Goldberg's a loon. The solid bashing of his last book, "Liberal Facism," in which he tried to claim that Mussolini wasn't a facist but a socialist and that the greatest danger we face as a country is from school teachers because all liberalism is really facism underneath (talk about something out of the Rove playbook!), is proof that Jonah isn't part of this reality. (Liberal Facism summary as told by LOLCats.)

Taking it further over the top, Jim Geraghty at NRO points that that along with Obama's "national youth corps" program (that's how Geraghty spins it), Obama is planning "a speech in Berlin and a huge rally with thousands of people at a stadium" and concludes (try not to splort soda all over your keyboard, ok), "It's like they're trying to sell copies of Jonah's book or something."

Because, as Drew at Fark would say, "You know who else did all those things?"